YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!
After finding out that my biological mother did not want contact with me, I was DEVASTATED!. I wasn’t going to get my love filled reunion worthy of being on the Oprah show. I wasn’t going to get to know my natural mom, and have all of the answers my heart had been longing for ever since that day in my early childhood when my adoptive mother told me I was adopted. There were not going to be any getting to know you dinner conversations that would go into the wee hours of the morning, no hugs, no kisses, no everlasting friendship with the woman who brought me into this world. The giant hole inside of me that I had been counting on being filled with everything I was missing from not knowing her wasn’t going to be filled. I wasn’t going to get the peace that I needed so that I could close the wound of abandonment, and finally be able to get on with my life as a “whole” person. Once again, I was left feeling like I was a mistake, and that I never belonged here (or anywhere) in the first place. I felt alone, forgotten, uneasy, unimportant, unloved, unfair, and rejected.
“Once again, I was left feeling like I was a mistake, and that I never belonged here (or anywhere) in the first place.”
When you are torn down, pulled apart, crushed and decimated, what can you do? When everything you were counting on was taken from you, when your dreams don’t come true, do you woller in your misery? Do you lay down and die? Or do you rebuild? Do you rise lie a phoenix from the ashes? These are the moments that define us, my friends. Where do you even begin?
“I had coveted that elusive relationship with my natural mother for so long, I let it define me.”
It hasn’t been easy. That is for darn tootin’ sure! I have done my fair share of crying, and wollering, but, in all of that pain, I find myself evolving. I had coveted that elusive relationship with my natural mother for so long, I let it define me. With a lot of prayer, deep thought, and support from my husband, I have begun to realize that the gap, the open gaping wound was not only caused by her giving me up, but by me leaving an opening for her. I was so focused on the rejection, that I forgot to realize what I had already. When I decided it was time to take those blinders off, I began to see that I had everything I needed, and only one part of it came from her.
“I took stock of my tools, and I realized, it wasn’t going to be easy to rebuild, but it had to be done.”
I began to assess my life, and I saw the bad decisions I made in the past because I was hurting, But I also saw that God had been looking out for me all along. I was put here for a reason, and it wasn’t just because two people forgot to use protection. I had been living in spite of my pain, but forgot to appreciate the life I had built. I found that I had never given all of myself to the relationships I have because I was so crippled by mistrust and fear of rejection. I took stock of my tools, and I realized, it wasn’t going to be easy to rebuild, but it had to be done.
“I am learning that I am not defined by my pain, I am defined by what I make from it.”
So, that’s where I am. I am not saying that I am not thankful to my biological mother for her part, and I am not saying that I don’t think of her every day. I still get sad and feel out of place from time to time. Also, I am not giving up hope that one day, we might meet, but I am not going to keep that hole open for her anymore. I am healing. I am filling my sadness with a new appreciation for the things that I have, and the life that I have built. I am learning to accept the love I get from my family. I am learning that I am not defined by my pain, I am defined by what I make from it.
There is a Buddhist chant that goes: “The lotus is a flower that grows in the mud. The thicker and deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms.”
I am blooming through my mud. And one day, all of this will make something beautiful and strong. I didn’t get what I wanted, but when I tried, I found that I got what I needed- and that is a better thing to stand on than your wants anyway.