A Spouse’s Love for an Adoptee

Introducing Lucas Crockett

So let me introduce my self real quick. My name is Lucas and your regular blogger, Betsy, is my wife. I would give my perspective on what it is like loving an adoptee.

Life Loving An Adoptee

It’s strange, being from a nuclear family of all biological lineage and looking at others that came from different family backgrounds. Whether they are foster, adoptive, broken, etc… I can honestly say that I am blessed and never had a bad or mistreated youth, and I always knew my family and I had the unconditional love that most all of us have taken for granted. You may ask why is that strange. Well, before I ever met my wife Betsy, I though it was the norm, that it was something everyone had, including adoptees. I was wrong.

Betsy and I have been together for just short of 18 years. Wow!!! that’s a long time. I knew very shortly into our relationship that Betsy was adopted. She has never hid it from anyone, but she also did not just announce it to everyone. With not giving her being adopted much thought I quickly learned that not all adoptees had that love that all “normal” families have. Her adoption was huge, and it shaped who she is and everything that I know about her. Whether she realizes it or not, it does not define her like sometimes she thinks it does. There is a lot of hurt and a lot of feelings of rejection that goes along with being adopted, like I am sure many adoptees have. That is one thing that I learned quickly. I was determined and convinced that I would be enough and she should just focus on our relationship. I mean Love is Love, support is support, and commitment is commitment, right? This is what I thought and I was wrong. It has taken me a long time to realize this. During evenings of tears and comforting her because she felt ripped off, unloved, and left out by people she has never met, but only knew vaguely of.

During these emotional times I would often think:

• Why am I not enough?
• Does she not really love me enough?
• Am I not really enough for her?
• What else can I do?

No matter what, or how much I tried I could not fill that hole. But I kept trying and trying and doubting myself. I did this for years, and then one day I quit trying to be everything to her. I quit trying to be the love that filled the empty spot in her soul. Maybe I should not say I quit, but I realized that I can only be her husband, life partner, her best friend, and a shoulder to cry on. I didn’t realize this till after both of our children had been born.

Because my love for them is different and their love for me is different than their future spouses will be. I decided I can not fill that hole, nor will I try to anymore. For now, I get to be in the passenger seat of her journey to find out more about the bio family. Traveling down that road has been hard at times. I cant imagine her heartbreak, being rejected at childbirth and twice on a search. All I can do is hold her and let her know that she has love, and it is true and forever. We wait now as she has reached out to one of her half brothers, and as she tries to find out more on her bio-dad. I hope for better, but a bigger piece of me is guarded and I do try to put a shield of low expectations in front of her. That may be wrong, but I am tired of her being disappointed with the thoughts of fairytale reunions and people that should love her, but don’t.

Learning for myself that I can not be enough has honestly been a bit freeing for me. I no longer wonder, what can I do to make her understand she does not need bio-mom, she has me? Instead, I get to be her rock, Kleenex, her forever love and life companion. It is impossible to be that everything, all you can be in this situation is supportive and understanding.

I need to add, that Betsy never asked me to be everything. She asked me to be her husband, which is a whole lot better than being her bio-parents.