Recently, I released a poster over the internet in an attempt to find anyone who could give meinformation on the whereabouts of my biological father. It was not an easy decision, and after almost a year of careful consideration, I decided to go for it. I never would have put this out there if I didn’t believe it would be helpful in my search.
I have located my birth mother. She has chosen to not have any contact with me. I have sent many texts to her and made my intentions clear to members of her family. Before I released my poster, I did attempt to send a copy of it to her. My poster was posted on Facebook pages associated with the small town where she lived and went to school. The response has been overwhelming and mostly positive, but there have been some negative things said, too (how rude!). But here are some of the things I have learned so far:
- People think I am after money.
Several times I have been messaged by people who knew my biological mother’s family and was told, “They don’t have any money for you”. How tacky! I can’t speak for every adoptee, but the vast majority of us are looking for something FAR more valuable than cold, hard cash! We are looking for answers, relationships, health information, family, and closure. These things mean more than all of the money in the world to me. I had no idea about anybody’s financial situation when I began this journey, and I still could care less.Suggesting that we are in it for money cheapens our experiences, our innermost desires, and suggests that we are for sale! Adoptees struggle with feeling like objects enough without being turned further into a commodity! We are human beings, and we are not for buy, sale, or trade!
- I look “just” like a lot of people’s cheating ex.
I am very sorry your ex was a lying, cheating, low down, good for nothing, son of a biscuit eater who hurt you. However, he probably didn’t father every person who is searching or his/her biological father. Adoptees are seriously searching for a connection. I highly doubt your ex who was 12 years old at the time when I was conceived traveled four states away just to “make whoopee” with my biological mother who was 22 years old at the time. If you have a legitimate reason to believe that your ex may be a searching adoptee’s relative, by all means, tell us! But, otherwise, you aren’t being helpful, and perhaps you need to search for some closure for yourself.
- I am doing this to embarrass my birth mother into giving me the information I need.
I have been chided by several people who knew my birth mother. I have been asked if I understand how much this search has probably hurt her. I have been accused of trying to hijack information from her, and blackmailing her by smearing her good name and telling her secrets in her small town.First of all, I am not doing this because I am being malicious. I gave her multiple chances, and asked her family for information. Yes. A LOT of this could have been avoided if they would have just given me a name. Yes. They do know who my father is- he had to sign away his rights to me with the adoption agency. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it might help my cause. I am not doing this to hurt anyone. I am not doing this because I am being manipulative, or starting a smear campaign. There has already been too much hurt and too much pain surrounding the whole situation.I did this because I want to know my family. I want to know where I came from. I want to have closure and I can’t help but to think maybe someone wants to know me. I am not a bad person- I am someone full of love (my daughter just told me I am sweet and kind). I want my family. Plain and simple. I have tried every other way. I just want my family!
- I must be looking for a love affair.
I add this just because it is downright hilarious! Believe it or not, I was “hit on” by a person who was looking for a valentine. Down, boy! I’m looking for one particular man, not just “a man” in general. YIKES! I guess nothing ventured, nothing gained. But in this case, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
- There are a lot of supportive/helpful people out there.
I am forever grateful for the many messages of support and the help I have received. People have reached out, told me they believe in my search, and that they are keeping us all in mind and in prayers. I have had my search angel friends stand up for me and adoptee rights, and I have had an outpouring of heartfelt well wishes, and I appreciate them and you all!I have gotten messages from well wishers who knew my birth mom and told me about her. This is the closest thing I have to actually knowing her. Thank you for telling me about how kind she was, and for telling me about how she loved television, pigtails, and Dairy Queen. Thank you for telling me she was a marvelous singer, and had a soprano voice. Maybe one day I will hear her sing. I hope and pray so. Thank you, all!
But here I sit, still with no answers I have a few leads, but no real answers. Do I regret what I did? No way. It brought me some answers, and I would do it, again! Besides, there is one thing an adoptee should never give up on- and that is Hope. It’s the thing we cling to when we have no answers. Hope is what fuels me. Hope for a future where I know where I came from, hope for answers. Hope for the first few chapters of my life. Hope for the family I am missing.
So, feel free to share my poster! Share it everywhere! Someone, somewhere knows something, or just wants to be my valentine.