As of tomorrow, June 6, 2015, all of our kids have been with us at least 6 years (6.5 for the younger two), and adoptions were finalized in 2011 and 2012. Most days can still be quite difficult as we seek to find diagnoses or treatments or the best educational routes, to connect with our kids while helping them become the best they can. But when I look back, I can see how far we’ve all come. Yes, all six of us regress—the kids in their behaviors and us in effective parenting. However, I remember much more difficult days earlier on the journey, when the kids were newer to our home, when they were still in that impermanent physical and emotional place of being “foster” kids, when we were all adjusting to each other and learning to live as a family, when life was really hard for all of us.
A staged photo but what life has often felt like
If you are or have been a foster or adoptive parent, you can relate. Trauma does crazy things to the developing brain, and as a result, to the behavior of a child. These beautiful children rage and meltdown. They destroy property and relationships. And it’s not their fault. We cannot fathom what they have been through. They have no reason to trust us. Sometimes we use every tool we know. All the professional help is not reaching them.
“These beautiful children rage and meltdown. They destroy property and relationships. And it’s not their fault.”
Probably around five years ago we were going through a really dark time with our daughter. Behaviors were out of control. Nothing we or any other adults in her life tried seemed to work. A breakthrough came one day listening to the lyrics of the song “Sticking With You” by Addison Road and realizing how much it applied to our situation and seeing those lyrics reaching the heart of our little girl. I started singing it to her over and over. We’d get in the car, and I’d play it again and again, and she and I would sing along. The boys were oblivious, but she knew I was speaking these words to her:
Addison Road – Sticking With You Lyrics
Artist: Addison Road; Album: Addison Road; Genre: Rock
Come on, it’s me you’re talking to
There’s something going on inside of you
Don’t have to say it but I wish you would
‘Cause it would be much easierYou always hide behind yourself
You walk a lonely road with no one’s help
I hate to break the news
You’re headed for a fallAnd if I have to jump, then I’ll jump
And I won’t look down
You can cry, you can fight
You can scream and shoutI’ll push and pull until your walls come down
And you understand, I’m gonna be around
I’m sticking with you, sticking with youEven if you try and shut me out
I’m staying here ’cause that’s what love’s about
I might let you down
But I won’t let you goSo lean into me, I want to know
Everything about the fear you hold inside
‘Cause you and I
Are better than just oneAnd if I have to jump, then I’ll jump
And I won’t look down
You can cry, you can fight
You can scream and shoutI’ll push and pull until your walls come down
And you understand, I’m gonna be around
I’m sticking with you, sticking with youThat’s what it means to love you
That’s what it means to have your back
That’s what it means to show youAnd if I have to jump, then I’ll jump
And I won’t look down
You can cry, you can fight
You can scream and shoutI’ll push and pull until your walls come down
And you understand, I’m gonna be around
I’m sticking with you, sticking with you
What was I saying to her through these lyrics? I was singing of unconditional love, of doing what had to be done, of seeing past the fight she was putting up, and I reached her little heart. I was communicating in one of the most effective, understandable ways for her that I was on her team, and I was her ally. While at times she may have thought I was against her, it was really her and I against her past and her struggles. It was her and I on a quest to stop the maladaptive behaviors that didn’t truly get her what she wanted or needed. I wasn’t giving up.
“There are times when our whole family is on the verge of major meltdowns when Darren turns on some music, and we all have an impromptu dance party.”
I was sticking by her, as were the lyrics of the song. We all know how easy it is to get songs stuck in our head, and they have great power over us. They have the power to change our mood, to give us energy or courage. There are times when our whole family is on the verge of major meltdowns when Darren turns on some music, and we all have an impromptu dance party. The tension lifts. Our spirits lift. We reconnect, and that is what all our families need for healing: connection. Music is powerful and can touch our hearts in ways nothing else can!
See our recently created song list [here] and make sure to comment with songs you have noticed stuck out to you or your children on the foster or adoptive journeys. Our list includes songs for many different types of situations…helping a child understand you love them unconditionally, helping self esteem, encouraging parents on the journey…and much more! Some songs we’ve seen recommended but have not yet listened to in a while or at all, so please have patience while we build out the topics more!
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