You Can’t Always Get What You Want…(part 1)

Part One

Confession: I think in song lyrics. In fact, there are many times in a day when I could burst into song because of something someone says. My story for this week involves the lyrics that came to me the last time I spoke to one of my biological family members (I almost sang it to her!), and it really describes the outcome of my search for my biological mother. It’s a song by The Rolling Stones, and it goes like this:

You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need.

Almost a year ago, I contacted the state of Illinois, and was given a copy of my original birth certificate. The day it came in the mail, my hands shook, and I opened it so fast I almost ripped it. And then suddenly, there it was, right in front of me, the name I searched my dreams for, the name that I thought was always at the tip of my tongue before I woke up. Then and there, the name I could never find but was etched in my heart became….real.

Martha. Martha, Martha, Martha. She was real, and I ached to know more. I quickly Googled her, and found the obituary of my natural grandmother. I found her name and the names of her sisters. ( AUNTS!!! I have AUNTS!!! ) I cherished their names like I cherished hers. It didn’t take long to find a couple of phone numbers, and without thinking, I quickly dialed them. I mean, they must have been waiting at the edge of their seats for my call for years, because I just knew it was going to be a joyous, tearful reunion full of hugs, and outpourings of love. I was going to get to meet my Martha and she was going to hold me close, and tearfully whisper in my ear that she had been waiting for me, and she loves me so much. My Martha was going to give me birthday cards she had been saving for years, and I was going to give her all of the notes I wrote for her. We were going to be great friends, and my every wildest dream of finally having a mother’s unconditional love. My Bio mom was about to become flesh instead of imaginary! We were going to have a brand new life, and all was going to be right in the world!

“…I just knew it was going to be a joyous, tearful reunion full of hugs, and outpourings of love.”

Now for a sobering dose of reality (insert record scratching sound effect here). The two aunts I spoke with were not like me AT ALL! They were guarded, and almost…cold. They were perfectly polite and told me a little bit. It was nothing like what I thought it would be. I did learn that I have two half brothers (that I immediately wanted to have over and bake Christmas cookies with), but for the most part, it was general information. (Who cares?? I knew something!!). They promised to get ahold of Martha and forward my information to her. I ignored every bit of my gut feeling and eagerly awaited my most special phone call ever. Oh, I wondered what her favorite color was, what were her favorite flowers, he favorite songs, movies, dreams? I had a death grip on my phone and obsessively checked for missed calls. I was going to know her!! I could barely sleep for days!

“I had a death grip on my phone and obsessively checked for missed calls. I was going to know her!!”

But my phone call never came. Just like when I was a child and I convinced myself she was coming for me to tell me she regretted giving me up, and I would stay up to all hours of the night wishing the lights of cars driving down the street that would shine in my bedroom window were her- she never came. She never called. One follow up phone call to one of my aunts would confirm my suspicion- she didn’t want contact, and would most likely never change her mind (insert car breaks squealing and crashing noise here).

“Every bad thing I ever thought of myself was confirmed in my mind. It was true. I was someone’s mistake.”

Why? What made me so bad she didn’t want me? Why couldn’t she love me? My heart was crushed, shattered, and all kinds of unrecognizable mush. To say it was broken wouldn’t even touch the pain I felt. Every bad thing I ever thought of myself was confirmed in my mind. It was true. I was someone’s mistake. I will spare you more of the details, but I entered into one of the darkest periods of my life. I wanted to die- how could I fix myself after the dream that I allowed to define me was gone? No, my friends, I am living proof that “You can’t always get what you want”. But don’t forget, “If you try sometimes, you might just find you get what you need”.

Tune in next week for the next part of my journey.

[Read Part 2 Here]

Song Lyrics by The Rolling Stones.