Grade:

Transfiguring Adoption awarded this movie 3 Hoots out of 5 based on how useful it will be for a foster/adoptive family. [Learn more about our Hoot grading system here]

Movie Info:

Rating: PG-13 (Intense Sci-Fi Action/Violence, Brief Suggestive Content)
Genre: Action, Adventure, Superhero
Runtime: 130 minutes
Studio: Marvel Studios

**From the Cover of Iron Man 3 by Marvel Studios:**

“Plagued with worry and insomnia since saving New York from destruction, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), now, is more dependent on the suits that give him his Iron Man persona — so much so that every aspect of his life is affected, including his relationship with Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow). After a malevolent enemy known as the Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) reduces his personal world to rubble, Tony must rely solely on instinct and ingenuity to avenge his losses and protect the people he loves.”

Transfiguring Adoption’s Overview:

Item: Iron Man 3
Rating: 3
Author: Jenn Ehlers

Iron Man 3 (2013) takes place shortly after the events of The Avengers and is part of the larger Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). While it can be viewed as a standalone film and still be an enjoyable action flick, it will make the most sense to viewers who have seen (at the very least) the first two Iron Man movies as well as The Avengers. The recommended audience would be older teens and adults, though some younger teens/pre-teens would probably do okay with it. The violence, language, etc. are in line with a typical superhero or action movie.

In this movie we see Tony Stark dealing with the aftermath of fighting in The Battle of New York – not only the fallout from fighting in a warzone, but having to deal with the realization that aliens are a very real threat. We also see him in a committed relationship for the first time, and has a fear of not being able to protect her from these increasingly dangerous threats.

** Spoilers Could Be Ahead **

How Is This Relevant To Adoption & Foster Care?

Iron Man 3 does not directly relate to foster care or adoption. However, though it’s not addressed in this movie and he is now an adult, Tony Stark did lose his parents suddenly when he was a teenager. That loss, and a theme of trying to live up to his father’s legacy impacts many of his choices and behavior which is something that children in care may relate to.

One concept in this movie that is particularly relevant is that Tony is dealing with severe anxiety and PTSD following the events of the previous film in the series, The Avengers, where he essentially fought a war in New York against Loki and an alien army. While Tony had been in war zones and other conflicts before he’d never experienced large-scale combat in quite the same was as he did in the Battle of New York and its effects are still very much impacting him. And seeing someone like Tony: a rich, strong, masculine, superhero dealing with panic attacks on screen goes an incredibly long way in normalizing those feelings and reactions that our kiddos are dealing with. He also struggles to trust others, something youth in care are likely able to relate to as well.

Discussion Points:

Dealing with PTSD and Anxiety
Tony is dealing with severe anxiety and PTSD following the events of the previous film in the series, The Avengers. We see Tony have several panic attacks on screen that are triggered by others mentioning the battle or conversations around his ability to protect others. Seeing this strong, confident superhero character dealing with these issues is likely to be something that children who have been through trauma really relate to. This can be a great lead-in to talking about what triggers Tony’s attacks and how he deals with them and then translating that into how you can best help your kiddo(s) when they experience similar feelings. Something to bear in mind, however, is that panic attacks and anxiety symptoms can look different in one person from another so it may not be exactly the way your child experiences it. But it can still open a dialogue about how these feelings can be very crippling, that it can happen to anyone (even a superhero!) and how to develop strategies for how to work through them when they happen.
Connecting Actions and Consequences
One of Tony’s inherent character flaws is that he acts rashly and doesn’t do a very good job of thinking through how his actions might impact those around him, or even his own future. One example of this we see is with Aldrich Killian. At the start of the movie, we see Tony treat him poorly at a party, something that turns out to have spawned years of hatred and a desire for revenge that we see play out years in the future. Later, in a fit of anger, Tony gives out his address on national television, daring The Mandarin terrorist to ‘come and find him’ not thinking through the ramifications of that, which results in his home being bombed while he and Pepper are inside and puts her in danger. It’s important to be careful here – while Tony did make mistakes we don’t want to fall into victim-blaming. The responsibility for these events is still on the people who carried them out. But it could be a great starting point for a discussion on the importance of thinking through decisions and the potential consequences of them, which is a skill many people who have experienced trauma struggle with. When you’re in constant survival mode, you don’t have time to plan ahead or think things through; acting quickly keeps you alive. So now that they are no longer in that constant struggle for survival, children need to practice building up their skills in this area.
Emotional Regulation
This topic is only briefly touched on in the movie, but draws an interesting visual parallel that kids might find helpful. The Extremis serum that allows limb regeneration also has a component that reacts to a person’s emotions. When they are upset and lose control they literally explode – like a bomb going off. For many children who have PTSD or other trauma in their past, they may often feel like their own emotions are like a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. Seeing this visual representation might help them give language to that feeling and you can work together to start to identify the signals in their body that indicate an ‘explosion’ is coming and how to regulate and self-soothe to avoid that.

Cautionary Points:

Language/Innuendo
Tony makes a number of sexual innuendos throughout the movie. He also uses a fair amount of mildly foul language (and let’s be honest, most of the time Tony opens his mouth one or the other comes out). Most of the innuendo will go over younger children’s heads, however, as they are things like ‘going to town on you’ and ‘she’s going to need a cardiologist’.
Rejection/Bullying
There is a scene early on in the movie where Aldrich Kilian approaches Tony at a party and Tony tells him he will meet him shortly, though he has no intention of doing so. Aldrich is left waiting on the roof alone most of the night, on New Year’s Eve, no less. While this is something that is quickly brushed over, kiddos who have been in care are often familiar with feelings of rejection and feeling excluded and might relate to Aldrich and feel bothered by the way Tony, the hero, treats him.
Scenes of Terrorism
We see several broadcasts and news coverage from ‘The Mandarin’ making demands of the United States government, and showing violence in what appear to be Middle-Eastern areas, talking about violence committed against women and children. These clips show machine guns being fired, explosions and fire. While the violent images are likely to be disturbing to all, this may be especially triggering to children who have been in war-zones or were fleeing violence, such as refugee and immigrant children or those who have been victims of terrorist attacks themselves.
Anxiety Attacks
We first see this happen to Tony when he is autographing a drawing for a little girl and a few other times during the movie. These realistic portrayals of struggling to breathe and feeling out of control might be upsetting to watch, especially for children who have experienced such symptoms themselves.
Unsupportive Family Member
There is a scene where Pepper is (understandably) frustrated by Tony’s workaholic tendencies. Tony opens up to her and explains that he is ‘a bit of a mess’; he isn’t sleeping and is having a lot of anxiety about what happened in New York. She initially reacts with understanding and love. However later, Tony has a nightmare and accidentally threatens Pepper with one of his suits when she tries to wake him up. He immediately apologizes and asks her to give him a minute to catch his breath but instead she snaps at him and says she is going to sleep downstairs. Now, I personally love Pepper Potts and having seen all the previous films, know that she puts up with a LOT from Tony as a partner, including an extremely self-destructive tendency that ends up putting himself and her in danger repeatedly. So, within the context of all that, her reaction here makes sense. It’s also important to remember that family members have their own feelings and needs and don’t have to put up with being mistreated just because a loved one is dealing with trauma or mental illness. However, if a child simply sees Tony open up about his anxiety and then to turn around in the very next scene and see him being rejected because of something he can’t control (anxiety, nightmares) it may be hard for them to process and upsetting to them. Especially if they have had a friend or family member reject them because of trauma or anxiety-related behaviors.
Bombing/Explosions
Those who are infected with Extremis will explode if they lose control of their emotions and the result is similar to a bomb being detonated: leveling buildings and injuring/killing people in the surrounding area. If children have experienced natural disasters involving fire, or been a victim or witness to a bombing or combat, these explosions might be especially triggering, beyond the fact that there is just violence/danger. Later, Tony’s home is attacked by missiles while he, Pepper and Maya are inside.
Character Injury/Death
Happy, Tony’s best friend and head of security, is injured in an Extremis bombing. We see him rolled out on a stretcher and later hooked up to a ventilator and other machines in a hospital room. We also see a somewhat shaken Tony sitting in the room with him. While this scene is very brief, it may be upsetting for children who have dealt with their own hospitalization or the serious illness/injury of a loved one. Especially if that incident resulted in a bad outcome or death. Later, we also see Tony’s suit, JARVIS, malfunction and cease working. While JARVIS is technically artificial intelligence and not ‘real’, he is personified in a very real way and in many ways is Tony’s closest friend and confidant. When the suit malfunctions JARVIS says, “I think I need to sleep now” before powering down and Tony responds saying “don’t leave me.” This occurs while Tony is crash-landed in an unfamiliar place and already feeling very alone after Happy’s hospitalization and being separated from Pepper so he definitely responds to this as if it is a very real loss which may be upsetting (but thankfully JARVIS ends up being put back together and okay in the end!)Later, Maya is shot and killed by Aldrich after attempting to save Tony. Pepper falls into a fire from a great height and Tony briefly believes her to have died (she lives). But all of these incidents are in situations where Tony feels like he is at fault which contributes to the feelings of self-destruction, helplessness and anxiety he is experiencing.
Self-destructive Behavior
Tony tends to react in very self-destructive ways when he is faced with stress or anger. While not a focus, we do sometimes see him tell JARVIS to skip certain safety checks in order to get something done faster. The big example in this movie is when, right after Happy’s injury, Tony gives out his home address on national television and tells the Mandarin to come and find him. While there are consequences to these actions Tony always ends up being okay in the end so it could send a message of glorifying or justifying this type of behavior, especially for kids who are already prone to this type or behavior.
Drowning
There is a brief scene where Tony falls into the ocean after his home is attacked. He is wearing his Iron Man suit, however, and JARVIS is able to quickly get him out of the water, but the scene may be triggering for those who have experienced trauma in or around water.
Violence/Peril
This is a PG-13 action/superhero movie so there is inherently a fair amount of this. As listed in the above cautionary point, those with Extremis serum can explode causing bomb-like reactions. Tony’s home is attacked causing it to collapse. There are numerous scenes where characters shoot one another or threaten others with guns.
Cavalier Reference to Parental Loss
When Tony first meets Harley, the young boy who helps repair JARVIS, Harley mentions that his dad left six years ago and never came back. Tony responds with “Dad’s leave. No need to be a p**sy about it.” If you know Tony, this statement is more of a defense mechanism, as he’s still bothered by the loss of his own father years earlier. But hearing the statement itself may be triggering and feel cold/callous for kids who have lost a parent, especially if they are still processing that loss.
Hostage/Kidnapping/Torture.
Harley is taken hostage when he is trying to help Tony. He gets away again very quickly, but the scene may be triggering to children if they have been kidnapped or restrained in abusive situations before. Later, Pepper is taken by Maya and Aldrich, restrained and tortured with the Extremis serum as way to lure Tony in. Tony is also kidnapped and tied up in a basement with cable ties. War Machine is tied up with chains around his neck and tortured for his armor. If children have experienced abuse or situations where they were confined, restrained, etc. these scenes may bring up bad memories for them.
References to Suicide
One of the ‘accidental explosions’ caused by Extremis gone wrong was explained by the media as a suicide bomber. This is mentioned in several scenes. Later Aldrich references a time when the thought about ‘taking a one-step shortcut to the lobby’ alluding to some suicidal ideation. Maya threatens to kill herself to keep Aldrich from using her to further his agenda. These are all brief, but might be triggering for those who are having or have had suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Discussion Guide:

Tony tells Aldrich Killian to meet him on the roof. However, Tony never shows up and we see Aldrich waiting by himself. How do you think this made him feel?
Caregiver Note: It is often easier for children to talk about someone else’s experiences and feelings rather than their own. So instead of having to process their own feelings about rejection, this question allows them to talk with you about how the character of Aldrich feels during the scene. He’s just approached an important and popular person (Tony Stark) about something he’s passionate about, and Tony feigns interest and agrees to meet him. It’s fairly clear to the audience that Tony is not being sincere but Aldrich believes him and is left standing on the roof alone. To add to it all, it’s New Year’s Eve. Children in foster care or adoption are generally very familiar with feelings of rejection, whether it happened to them in an obvious way like is depicted here or just the simple fact of feeling like their birth parent didn’t want them. They are likely to be very sympathetic to Aldrich here and talking about his rejection might offer insight to their own experiences and feelings around the subject.
When the little girl, Erin, asks Tony to autograph her drawing, he suddenly gets up and leaves the restaurant. What do you think made him behave this way? Have you ever experienced something similar?
Caregiver Note: The little girl hands Tony a drawing of the Battle of New York, which Tony has recently fought in. That, combined with the conversation he’s having with Rhodey about whether he’s doing okay sets off a panic attack. He unintentionally writes ‘help me’, breaks the little girls’ crayon, and then rushes outside gasping for breath before JARVIS diagnoses him with a ‘severe anxiety attack’. Tony likely has PTSD as a result of being in combat and the conversation and picture are triggers that bring back bad memories for him. This can be a great lead in for helping kids talk about if they have experienced similar instances where something triggered a bad memory for them. For many, especially younger children, they may not be able to make the connection between what the trigger was and their response, so it may be helpful to see the progression of what happens for Tony. But it’s also important to understand and discuss that sometimes there might not be a clear trigger or that these feelings might arise from something that doesn’t seem to really relate at all to the bad memory.
When Tony rushes outside he puts on his suit and asks JARVIS to check his vitals because he’s worried he’s having a heart attack. JARVIS diagnoses him with ‘a severe anxiety attack’ and Tony’s response is, “Me?” Why do you think Tony is so surprised by this?
Caregiver Note: Tony has always viewed himself as being fairly ‘invincible’, especially since he developed his Iron Man armor to literally protect him. He views himself as a superhero and while he spends a lot of energy watching out for an outside physical attack he never stops to think about the threat coming from within. This is the moment that really brings it home for him that he’s vulnerable. This can be a great lead-in to a conversation about how anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses don’t discriminate- it can happen to anyone, even superheroes. His reaction is also fairly common when someone is diagnosed with a mental illness, especially with males who have been conditioned by society to view having emotions as a weakness. Knowing and talking about how Iron Man suffers from Anxiety and PTSD may help normalize it for children who are struggling to accept their own diagnoses.
Why is Tony so attached to his Iron Man suits and works on them so much, even to the detriment of other areas of his life such as his relationship with Pepper?
Caregiver Note: When Pepper confronts him about his workaholism, Tony explains that he’s been having a rough time since the Battle of New York and that he has a lot of difficulty sleeping because of his anxiety. He feels like another threat is imminent and that he has to throw all of himself into finding a way to protect her from them so he makes better and better Iron Man suits. The suit is what allowed him to escape captivity, fight off threats from Obadiah and Ivan Vanko, and allowed him to help defeat Loki and the Chitahuri (all in previous films). Since it has protected him before he clings to it as the answer to all of his problems. If you talk to anyone in the mental health field, anxiety is often explained as ‘fear of loss of control’. Tony fears that he can’t control these outside forces and so his reaction is to exercise control over his Iron Man suits which has turned into an obsession. Like Tony, children who have experienced trauma have an overactive threat response system. Even when they are safe, their brain is constantly on the lookout for the next threat, even sometimes reacting to something benign as if it were a dangerous situation. They’re likely to relate to this feeling of needing to control something. This can be a great way to start a discussion about how to deal with their anxiety and feelings of being ‘out-of-control’ and channeling those feelings into something productive (though preferably in a healthier way than Tony!).
How do you think Tony feels when Happy is injured? What does he do in response? Do you think that was the right thing for him to do? How could he have reacted better?
Caregiver Note: Tony is not always the best at expressing his emotions but it’s clear he cares for his close friend, Happy, a great deal. Tony is clearly upset about the attack that injured Happy, and is worried about him given that his recovery is not clear at this point. Tony is hounded by reporters as he’s leaving the hospital and gives out his home address and tells The Mandarin to ‘come and get him’. This is a very rash thing to do and ultimately puts himself, Pepper, and many others in danger. Tony has a tendency to act in similar ways when he’s under stress and doesn’t always think through the ramifications of his actions, especially regarding his own safety (which in turn often jeopardizes the safety of those around him). This is very similar to what is seen in children who have experienced trauma: the part of the brain that controls decision making and forward thinking is underdeveloped and the part of the brain that engages in quick fight-or-flight threat response is overdeveloped. As a result, they have adapted to make an immediate reaction based on their emotions in an attempt to quickly resolve the threat, because in their life experience there isn’t time to think through the consequences before doing something. So, they are likely to relate to this behavior in Tony. This can be an opportunity to talk about the importance of taking the time to think things through before acting and how Tony might have been able to keep himself and Pepper out of danger if he had let himself calm down before responding, rather than just lashing out in anger and fear.
How do you think Tony feels when JARVIS and his suit stop working? Why?
Caregiver Note: Despite being AI, JARVIS is in many ways Tony’s closest relationship. He confides in him, seeks his advice when faced with a problem, and relies on him for support both physical and emotional. After the attack on his home, he is separated from Pepper and has crash landed in an unfamiliar place. His close friend, Happy, is also currently hospitalized on life support. Tony is likely already feeling very alone and JARVIS is his last real connection to the outside world. When JARVIS reports being damaged and needing to shut down Tony’s response is, “Don’t leave me.” Following this Tony is forced to rely completely on himself for the first time, which is likely very scary for him given how he’s always surrounded by others, either human or AI. This can be a way to talk to kiddos about their own support systems and the importance of having relationships they can lean on when things get challenging but also how to process and deal with the feelings of losing someone you care about, even if that separation ends up being temporary (as is the case with JARVIS).
Harley keeps asking Tony about things that happened in New York and Tony keeps saying he doesn’t want to talk about it, but Harley keeps pestering him. How do you think this makes him feel? How does he respond?
Caregiver Note: We can’t really fault Harley here as he’s just a young child who has met one of his heroes and wants to talk about something that, for him, is similar to a cool movie that happened. For Tony, this was a very real, traumatic event and not something he is ready to talk about, especially not with someone he just met. Harley’s continued questioning eventually causes Tony to have another panic attack. This scene is a great way to highlight how our kiddos probably feel sometimes when we ask them to talk about things that happened to them. In many cases, yes, talking about their trauma will help them to process what happened and begin to work through it. However, pushing them to do so before they are ready is likely only to make things worse. It’s important to respect boundaries and give them the space to come to you when they are ready.
Tony has another anxiety attack when he finds out his suit repairs aren’t working quickly enough. How does Harley help him through it?
Caregiver Note: This time what causes Tony’s anxiety attack is finding out that his suit isn’t going to be repaired in time. He’s on the phone with Harley when it happens. Harley reminds him to breathe, changes the subject, and starts talking about Tony’s strengths and how he can use those to find another solution to his problem, thus easing his anxiety around feeling helpless. As stated earlier in this guide, everyone is different in how their anxiety presents and also in what helps them calm down in the midst of one. Use this as an opportunity to talk to your youth about the things that help them when they’re feeling anxious and how you can be an aide to them when an attack comes on, the way Harley was in this scene.
Tony finally tracks down The Mandarin only to find out he is an actor hired to play a role and none of it was real. How do you think this makes him feel?
Caregiver Note: Tony has spent a lot of time and energy trying to find the Mandarin, whom he believes is responsible for all of this death and destruction that has been going on. When he shows up hoping to have a final showdown with this ‘villain’ he finds out that it was all just pretend. This makes him feel a bit like his whole quest to destroy The Mandarin was a waste of time and energy and he has been misled. He is likely disappointed and frustrated for not realizing the truth sooner. Sometimes children who have experienced abuse and neglect may feel similarly: their caregiver or other trusted individuals turned out to be someone different than they had believed them to be, and hurt them when they were supposed to protect them. This can feel like a let down and may be hard for them to accept at first.
Early on in the movie Tony share’s his story and says, “The old days. I never thought they would come back to bite me. Why would they?” How did a decision made in Tony’s past cause a problem for him later? Have you ever had something similar happen?
Caregiver Note: Tony Stark is a character who made a lot of reckless decisions in how he led his life when he was younger (in part likely due to the tragic and sudden loss of his parents in adolescence). By the time Iron Man 3 rolls around in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, we have seen Tony on a journey where he is trying to be a better person and make better choices and likely feels like things are on track. So it’s a bit jarring that something which happened many years earlier will affect him at this point. Children who have experienced trauma may be able to relate to the way Tony is feeling when this happens. They may be in a better living situation through foster care or adoption and maybe feel like they have moved past their trauma and that things are going okay. But then something happens or someone from their past shows up and all of a sudden it derails them or has consequences they didn’t expect to resurface. Talking about Tony’s experiences might be helpful for them to relate their own experiences or even talk about strategies they could use to handle it if something from their past makes an unexpected reappearance in the future.
Why do you think Tony was finally able to give up the suits and his arc reactor at the end of the movie?
Caregiver Note: Tony has gone a significant journey over the course of all the MCU movies, but this one in particular. When he originally escaped terrorist captivity in the first Iron Man, his suit is what protected him and allowed him to escape. Not only that, but it literally kept him alive because it contained an arc reactor which kept his heart running correctly. He eventually had surgery which meant he no longer needed this life-saving device. However he continued to use the Iron Man suits as a vehicle for protecting the world, those he cared about, and even himself, from outside threats. When he started having anxiety he threw all of his energy into making more suits as an outlet for his emotions. Throughout the course of the movie we see Tony come to realize that he can survive without his suit (as proven to him after his suit malfunctions and he crash lands in Tennessee). He learns to trust those around him a little bit more and he no longer needs the crutch that the suits offered him. Tony himself even uses an analogy that his suits were a ‘cocoon’ that he ‘no longer needs’. Children who have experienced trauma likely have developed coping mechanisms that helped them survive the difficult parts of their life but may no longer be necessary or healthy. This is very similar to the way that Tony’s suits literally kept him alive at first but became more and more unhealthy as his life and circumstances changed. This can be a great way to help illustrate the idea of unhealthy coping mechanisms to youth and start a conversation about finding healthier ways to meet their needs now that they’re in a safer place.

About the Author: Jenn Ehlers

Jenn is a central Virginia native who received her BA in Psychology from the University of Virginia in 2012. Since then she has worked for a local mental health agency and the Department of Social Services in various capacities and has been involved in her community’s efforts to create a Trauma Informed Network. Currently Jenn works in vocational rehab and mentors youth in foster care. When she isn’t working, Jenn enjoys writing stories, anything and everything Harry Potter, and spending time with her niece and nephew.

**Transfiguring Adoption is a nonprofit organization seeking to nurture growth in foster and adoptive families by giving a HOOT about their families. Transfiguring Adoption does not intend for its reviewers nor its review to be professional, medical or legal advice. These reviews and discussion guides are intended to help parents to better be able to connect and understand their children who come from traumatic backgrounds.