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The Willoughbys – Discussion Guide

Discussion Guide:

  1. Many times, during the movie Tim states that they should or shouldn’t do something because ‘We are Willoughby’s!” He places significance on his last name and being a part of that family, despite being mistreated by them. Why do you think being a Willoughby is so important to Tim?
    Caregiver Note: When the movie first starts the narrator tells us that the parents give nothing to Tim except for his name- this may be one of the primary reasons he is so attached to it. It’s the one positive thing he got from his parents. We also see in several scenes Tim looking at family history through paintings or books and wishing he knew his extended family. Everyone longs to feel like they are a part of something, especially children who have been abused or neglected. For Tim, being a Willoughby is what gives him this feeling of belonging to something bigger- not just his parents who don’t love him, but generations of other Willoughbys who maybe would have. Also, at the end of the day all children want their parents to be proud of them, and Tim’s insistence on holding up The Willoughby Name, may be his way of trying to please his parents.
  1. The children each have very different ways of dealing with the mistreatment by their parents. Tim is focused on staying out of the way and doing whatever they say to try and keep them from getting angry. Jane on the other hand, will ask for the things she feels they need like food or clothes, and almost challenges her parents. The Barnabys run away or hide from their parents. Who do you think has the best strategy? What would you do in their place?
    Caregiver Note: Tim, Jane, and the Barnabys are all employing strategies that they think are helping themselves and their siblings. Tim tries to follow all the ‘rules’ and never ‘bother’ his parents because he has learned that is the best way not to get punished or make things worse. As the older sibling, he likely feels an additional pressure to protect his younger siblings and keep them from being hurt. And the best way he has found to do this is to essentially stay out of their way. For Jane, there may be less pressure and she feels like the best thing to do is to try and get what they need to survive by asking for it. So, she will tell the parents that they need food or clothes, or she will try to find a way to take it, even if that might be riskier. For the Barnabys they are the youngest and may feel like they have no control or power to fix the situation so the best thing for them to do is to run away or hide from their parents. None of these strategies are necessarily ‘more right’ than the others- they’re all just different means of survival. Talking to your child about what they think about these choices will likely provide insight into their own personalities and perhaps their past experiences.
  2. When the children find a mysterious box in their yard it turns out to have an abandoned baby inside. How do the Willoughbys handle this? Do you think they did the right thing? What is a better way they might have handled the situation?
    Caregiver Note: It’s interesting to see how the Willoughby children handle this situation- Jane immediately wants to make baby Ruth a part of their family and take care of her, while Tim worries about how their parents will react. They ultimately decide (after the parents reject Ruth) to help find her a home and end up dropping her off on another doorstep where they think she’ll be happy (a candy factory- which to a child who never has enough to eat, likely seems like the perfect place). Children may feel like they did the right thing and found her a loving home (which it turns out to be) but may be concerned that they did not make sure it was before leaving her. Some children may feel sad that she did not stay with the Willoughbys. If other foster siblings have been in and out of the home children may draw a parallel to this situation- they receive a new sibling but later that ‘sibling’ goes on to end up with another family either by returning to biological parents or being adopted. This question may prompt discussion about the feelings they have around the idea of siblings living in other homes. Their opinions on how the Willoughbys handled the situation may also give some insight into what they think caregivers need to provide and what makes somewhere a good home.
  1. ACTIVITY: Dream Home Design
    Caregiver Note: Going along with the last question about Ruth and the home the Willoughbys find for her at the candy factory, Have children create their own dream home- either by drawing/painting a picture or making a collage depending on their age level. This can go in many directions from the wacky and silly (all-you-can-eat candy, water slides, etc.) to serious such as wanting to have siblings, loving caregivers, a safe place to sleep. Talk with kids about what they chose to put in their dream home and why they chose these things. If children are newer to care, they may not have given much thought to what they would like their future living situation to be like because they have been so focused on just surviving and this can be a good way to facilitate discussion about what they feel is important in a caregiver/home.
  2. When Nanny first arrives- do you think she’s a good person or a bad person? What does she do or say to make you think this?
    Caregiver Note: When we first see Nanny arrive, it can be confusing as to whether she really works for the parents and will go along with how they treat the Willoughby children. However, we quickly see he engage in behaviors that show she is indeed a caring and trustworthy adult. She makes a point to learn the children’s names and praises their good qualities and the inventions they have made- taking an interest in them. Even when Tim acts out, Nanny responds in a gentle way, telling him she knows change is hard and that he must miss his parents. When the children misbehave, they expect to be punished like their parents would, but instead Nanny seems concerned when they explain to her about the coal bin and that they would be punished simply for needing ‘food, clothes, love’. Talk with children about these different behaviors and statements and how they are signs that Nanny is a person who should be trusted. Children who have been abused or neglected by caregivers often have a difficult time with trust and may not trust their own judgement of others. So, it is important to have conversations about what signs to look for to decide if a person is trustworthy or not.
  1. Nanny has been nothing but kind and gentle with the Willoughby children. However, we see Tim call ‘orphan services’ and claim she is not taking good care of them. Why do you think he did this? Would you have done the same thing in his shoes?
    Caregiver Note: As discussed above, there are many signs that Nanny is a good and trustworthy person. But because Tim has only ever experienced the abuse and neglect of his parents, he assumes all caregivers are the same. Because of this he misconstrues everything Nanny says or does and believes that she does not have his best interest at heart. Many children who come into care from abusive pasts may feel the same way. They have no faith that an adult could actually take good care of them or that they would want to. Because of this they may misunderstand things their new caregiver says or does, jumping to the worst possible explanation because that is all they know. It can be a long and difficult struggle for them to learn to trust their new caregivers. Talking about how and why Tim feels the way he does may be a way of learning how they feel about adults/caregivers and trust.
  1. After Orphan Services shows up, they reveal that Nanny lost her parents when she was a child and never got adopted. How do you think this has affected her? Do the other characters view her differently when they find this out? How does Nanny respond to having this information about her past shared?
    Caregiver Note: This is a heart wrenching scene for a number of reasons. We see Tim finally started to trust Nanny and realize he made a terrible mistake in reporting her. Then it’s revealed that Nanny never found a forever home, which is one of the fears that many children in care carry- that they will never find permanency and will age out of care and end up alone. This information about her past surprises the children but they ultimately find they can relate better to her knowing she’s been through the same struggle they have. Nanny feels ashamed about this information and it seems to bring up some of her old feelings related to her trauma and she decides she’s not good enough and runs away, leaving the Willoughby children in the care of orphan services. Our children often experience similar feelings of shame around being in foster care of being adopted and may have low self-esteem and feel like they don’t deserve happiness. Talking about how this situation plays out with Nanny may help them realize their own similar feelings. It can also be a good time to discuss how their story is their own and it’s up to them to decide how and when to share information about their past.
  1. After Tim is put into foster care, he runs away multiple times even though the families are kind to him and treat him well. Why do you think he does this? Have you ever felt similarly? What might have been a better way for Tim to deal with his feelings?
    Caregiver Note: The narrator of the film tells us, “Tim resisted change, running away from well meaning families…he wanted his old life back- but it was gone.” Even though the families he is placed with are kind to him and are likely a better environment than his abusive home life with his biological family, Tim is unhappy because he wants to be with his siblings. When he runs away, we generally see him going back to his old house as if he can just run there and things will go back to the way they were. Even with out the separation from his siblings- change can often be scary. Even if that change is for the best. When children have been through trauma, they tend to expect the worst because that’s all they know. So even if their home was abusive, in their mind it’s safer to return to the situation they know and understand, rather than face the scary unknown of their new environment, because it might be worse. Children may not be able to answer the last part of the question- but this is an important time to discuss healthy coping skills, especially if children have engaged in running away or similar behavior in the past. Talk about how it was dangerous for Tim to run away and discuss possible other solutions, such as talking with caregivers or a counselor about these feelings and how to cope in a healthier and safer way.
  1. After Tim is put into juvenile detention, Nanny comes to rescue Tim, but at first, he doesn’t want to go with her. Why do you think that is? How does Nanny help him change his mind?
    Caregiver Note: Tim feels like he made a mistake and because of it, he deserves to be punished and unhappy. Many children feel like this, especially children with a background of trauma. Many times, they blame themselves for the abuse or trauma they have suffered and feel like if they’d been better or done something differently, they could have stopped it, or could have kept their family together. This can cause lingering feelings of guilt and worthlessness, so every time they make a mistake, they feel like it means they are a bad person. Nanny explains this to Tim telling him that he did make a mistake but that she had too, and everyone does. This is important to reiterate to children- everyone makes mistakes but its what you do after that matters more than the mistake itself. Nanny ran away and left the Willoughbys, but she came back and helped them in the end and made up for it. Make sure they understand that when they make a mistake it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with them or that they’re any less deserving of your love.
  2. Even after everything the parents have done to mistreat the kids, they decide to rescue their parents and help them anyway. Why do you think they do this? Would you have done the same thing in their shoes?
    Caregiver Note: Despite the abuse and neglect, and the end of the day every child cares about their parents. When they show up to rescue them, they tell Mom and Dad, “You don’t have to love us…just be our parents again.” This may echo the sentiment that many children have towards their biological parents- that they’re willing to make whatever concessions necessary and be treated badly if it means they get to be together. We as humans are inherently wired to love and want to be with our parents, even when they have harmed us. So, it can be difficult for many children who have been abused or neglected to accept that their parents did anything wrong or accept that they are safer and healthier in a new situation. These feelings, as well as the fact that the Willoughbys are just caring people explain why they went back for their parents. They realized that even though their parents were not good people, they didn’t deserve to die, and they felt bad for sending them away into harms way and tried to fix their error. Some children will agree with the choice the Willoughbys made, but others may have a hard time understanding why they would be nice to the people who hurt them. It’s important to note that whatever feelings they have about this or their own situation are valid and that it’s a complicated issue, but that viewing people, even those who have harmed us, with compassion rather than a desire for vengeance can be a healthier place.


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About the Author: Jenn Ehlers

Jenn is a central Virginia native who received her BA in Psychology from the University of Virginia in 2012. Since then she has worked for a local mental health agency and the Department of Social Services in various capacities and has been involved in her community’s efforts to create a Trauma Informed Network. Currently Jenn works in vocational rehab and mentors youth in foster care. When she isn’t working, Jenn enjoys writing stories, anything and everything Harry Potter, and spending time with her niece and nephew.


**Transfiguring Adoption is a nonprofit organization seeking to nurture growth in foster and adoptive families by giving a HOOT about their families. Transfiguring Adoption does not intend for its reviewers nor its review to be professional, medical or legal advice. These reviews and discussion guides are intended to help parents to better be able to connect and understand their children who come from traumatic backgrounds.

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Jenn is a central Virginia native who received her BA in Psychology from the University of Virginia in 2012. Since then she has worked for a local mental health agency and the Department of Social Services in various capacities and has been involved in her community’s efforts to create a Trauma Informed Network. Currently Jenn works in vocational rehab and mentors youth in foster care. When she isn’t working, Jenn enjoys writing stories, visiting the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and spending time with her nieces and nephew.

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