Discussion Guide:

1. After Leo’s dad dies, he has to start at a new school. The kids there make fun of him and destroy his favorite tie. How do you think this made him feel? Have you ever felt like that when starting at a new school?
   CAREGIVER NOTE: Children who have been through foster care often have experienced at least one (often more) placement disruptions and this often comes with changing schools sometimes in the middle of the year. They likely can relate to the way Leo feels and this is an opportunity to discuss bullying- what to do if they’re ever a victim of it or if they see it happening to someone else. This can also be an opportunity to discuss how to be welcoming to new classmates, so they don’t feel like Leo. This bullying has an even deeper impact on Leo because of the importance of his dad’s tie which they destroyed which changed the way Leo grieved/dealt with his father’s death going forward.
2. In response to the bullying, Leo decides to make himself invisible and says “If I wanted to survive, it was better to lay low. I was gonna have to be just like everyone else…no one would see me. No one would hear me. I was gonna disappear.” Why do you think he made this choice? Do you think it was the right choice? Have you ever felt this way?
   CAREGIVER NOTE: It’s important to note that this was a survival behavior at the time. While ultimately the movie sends the message of the importance of embracing individuality and not blending in, this strategy worked for Leo for a long time and allowed him to make friends and focus on his schoolwork without being bullied. In the end we see him find a balance between the two- not everyone can be loud in their individuality the way Stargirl is, but it’s also important not to focus so much on blending in that you lose the best parts of yourself. Children from a background of trauma often engage in survival behaviors as well. Whether that was fighting back or shutting down- it’s what worked for them in their trauma environment and enabled them to get through the hard things. Now, however, these behaviors may no longer be adaptive. For example, against an abuser might have kept them from doing something worse. But when using that same strategy at school it only gets them into more trouble. A good analogy to help kids understand this is a rabbit living in the forest. Most of its predators rely on movement in order to see their prey. So, the rabbit’s primary survival strategy to freeze and hold really still so the fox, hawk, etc. can’t see them. This is the best way for them to protect themselves. However, now take that rabbit and put it in a city on a highway. The rabbit sees a big scary monster (car) coming towards it. It uses the strategy it knows to survive- it freezes so the monster won’t see it. However, it’s in a new environment and here, standing still means that the car will hit it. If the rabbit wants to survive in its new environment it will need to learn a new strategy, such as running away, instead. This analogy may help children recognize their own survival behaviors and the need for adapting to their new environment (their foster/adoptive home).

3. ACTIVITY: Mindfulness/Becoming Nothing
   CAREGIVER NOTE: Stargirl takes Leo out to the desert and she asks him if he’s ever ‘done nothing- like really nothing.’ She goes on to describe something she likes to do where she imagines an eraser slowly erasing her body parts one by one until she’s nothing. She says, “I become a part of nothingness. I am nothing, so I am everything. I’m a stone. I am rain.” Mindfulness can be a great skill to teach children who have experienced trauma. Having exercises they can do when they are having a flashback, panic attack, or just feeling like their emotions are out of control can be very helpful. One way to do this is to focus on one body part at a time and tighten and then relax it. Start with the toes, then the legs, then the abdomen, arms, hands, shoulders, face, etc. Until you’ve gone through the entire body. Another exercise is the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique. For this one you go through each of the senses identifying what’s going on around you to bring you back to the present moment. First you look around and name 5 things you can see, then 4 things you can feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you can taste. If neither of these are appealing, there are a number of other mindfulness activities out there, or they can even try Stargirl’s eraser method. The important thing is to find what works best for them- everyone is different and not all of these exercises work for everyone. Have them practice these skills while they’re in a calm and safe place so that they are prepared for what they feel like and how to do them and can remember when they are in a more stressful situation.
4. Music is a central part of the movie and Leo and Stargirl share their favorite songs with each other as a way to connect. Leo says at one point, “It’s cool that a song can be about whatever you want it to be about. It doesn’t matter what the words say.” Do you have a favorite song? Why do you like it/what does it mean to you? Does it remind you of a person or experience?
   CAREGIVER NOTE: Music is an important part of teen/tween life and at they can often spend hours just listening to their favorite songs. Music is a way to give voice to emotions and thoughts they might have without having to know how to explain them. Having them share a favorite song can create a bonding moment in and of itself because teens love to talk about the things that interest them. However, take it one step further and talk about why they like that song- is it the melody? The lyrics? Does it remind them of a specific memory, good or bad? Does it remind them of an important person, like how Leo loves his dad’s favorite song? If they are reluctant to share, maybe start by sharing a special or favorite song of yours and what it means to you to get the conversation started.
5. During one of the school football games, a player on the opposing team gets hurt. Stargirl runs onto the field and stays with this person, even riding in the ambulance with him. The kids at school all get mad at her for helping ‘the enemy’. Why do you think she did this? Do you think she did the right thing?
   CAREGIVER NOTE: Stargirl explains her actions saying “He got hurt and everyone was cheering, and no one went to him. Everyone was just standing and watching, and it felt wrong.” This can be an opportunity to talk with youth about empathy. When others are in pain it’s important to offer support and help if you can, even if that person is different from you. Talk about how if they got hurt and were all alone how it would feel vs. if someone were there telling you it would be okay and holding your hand- even if it was someone who wasn’t your friend. For many children who have experienced trauma they often had to suffer through things on their own without anyone to help them. Because of this they may have a harder time developing empathy- no one was there for them so it might be hard for them to know how to be there for others. Talking through scenarios like the one depicted in this scene might help them to understand the ways to show empathy to others.
6. After the incident at the football game, everyone at school turns on Stargirl. Even Leo tells her, “Maybe you don’t have to do all the things that you do. Why can’t you just be more like everybody else?” How does Stargirl react to this? Do you think Leo was right or wrong in saying this?
   CAREGIVER NOTE: Stargirl is initially upset when Leo says this to her, it hurts her feelings. Then the next day she shows up to school saying her name is ‘Susan’ and wearing an outfit that is like what all the other kids wear. Eventually she realizes Leo (and she) were wrong and she says, “I can’t just be someone else”. Leo’s heart was in the right place when he said this, he wanted Stargirl to be liked and popular again and he was sharing the strategy that had worked for him for a long time- blending in. But ultimately this isn’t the answer and Stargirl shows him that it’s more important to be who you are and not pretend to be someone else. Talk to youth about their own differences and how they can try to embrace these differences rather than being ashamed of them.
7. In her speech Stargirl says, “I don’t know why I do a lot of things lately.” Have you ever felt like this? She also says,” …we don’t think we just do. We don’t take a step back and process.” What are sometimes you think maybe you acted before thinking? What are some ways I can help you remember to slow down and process?
   CAREGIVER NOTE: Often when children have experienced trauma, they have trouble with impulsivity. When in high stress situations our bodies are designed to go into ‘fight or flight’ mode and to make split-second choices for how to best survive the threat. In these situations, stopping to think could be extremely detrimental. The problem is, when children are exposed to repeated trauma their stress response system is on so often that it becomes the body’s default. So even when there is not a threat, the body is so used to responding this way that it automatically kicks in with these split-second or ‘impulsive’ reactions. Therefore, it’s important to talk to kids about this and help them learn to recognize when they feel themselves getting out of control and how to count to 5, take a deep breath, and take that ‘pause’ before reacting. Because their body is so used to the other way of responding this is a skill that has to be relearned and will take practice. But having a conversation and talking through what you and they have noticed about this behavior can help them learn to recognize it in the future.
8. ACTIVITY: Flower Planting
   CAREGIVER NOTE: In Stargirl’s speech competition she also speaks about how the world moves fast and it can be easy to get caught up in it but that it’s important to take a step back and breathe and slow down. She talks about flowers growing and says, “real things take time…part of what makes it beautiful is that it took so long to grow.” Take this opportunity to plant a flower, or even a whole garden if able. This in and of itself can be a great bonding activity and learning to care for something else can be a great grounding strategy for youth to learn. Gardening also teaches patience and can be a great sensory break as you’re out in the dirt and using your hands. As you watch things grow together it can also be an opportunity to talk about how sometimes when learning a new skill, it’s compared to ‘planting a seed’. And maybe it doesn’t show a difference right away but with nurturing and patience it eventually blooms into a beautiful plant. This analogy can be useful for other skills youth are learning- such as mindfulness or pausing before acting. These behavioral changes aren’t going to start working overnight, but the more they practice and ‘nurture’ them, eventually they will grow roots and become second nature.
9. After winning the speech competition, Stargirl says, “People aren’t happy because they win. They win because they’re happy.” What do you think this means? Do you agree?
   CAREGIVER NOTE: This can be a hard concept for youth to understand. Winning a game or competition makes us feel good, but this is often short lived. And it’s not the most important part of the game or competition. The more important part is the experience of playing the game- the teamwork, friendship having a good attitude, etc. Talk about the importance of these skills and that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. Wanting to win isn’t inherently bad, but it can cause problems if you value winning above relationships and morals. Talk to youth about what is important to them in their lives and what kinds of things make them happy, and the value of feelings and relationships over trophies and material things.
10. When Leo talks about how he misses his dad he says, “I don’t ever want to stop missing him.” What do you think he means? How has the way he deals with his father’s death changed from the beginning to the end of the movie?
    CAREGIVER NOTE: Sometimes when a person has experienced a traumatic loss, such as that of a parent, it can initially feel easier to not think about them, to try and forget them. This can especially be a struggle for children who are in a foster or adoptive home. They may feel like in accepting a foster or adoptive parent they have to forget their birth parents. Or vice versa- they might feel like they cannot have a relationship with an adoptive or foster parent without betraying their birth parents. Use this as an opportunity to discuss the way Leo has processed his loss and the ways he keeps his father’s memory alive (the hedgehog ties, his dad’s favorite record) and how he’s able to move on without being weighed down by his grief but is able to keep a part of his dad with him. This can transition into a discussion of how the youth is dealing with their own loss- that it’s okay to miss someone and the healthy ways to do this but also move forward. And also, that just because you don’t think about someone every day doesn’t mean you love them any less.

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About the Author: Jenn Ehlers

Jenn is a central Virginia native who received her BA in Psychology from the University of Virginia in 2012. Since then she has worked for a local mental health agency and the Department of Social Services in various capacities and has been involved in her community’s efforts to create a Trauma Informed Network. Currently Jenn works in vocational rehab and mentors youth in foster care. When she isn’t working, Jenn enjoys writing stories, anything and everything Harry Potter, and spending time with her niece and nephew.

**Transfiguring Adoption is a nonprofit organization seeking to nurture growth in foster and adoptive families by giving a HOOT about their families. Transfiguring Adoption does not intend for its reviewers nor its review to be professional, medical or legal advice. These reviews and discussion guides are intended to help parents to better be able to connect and understand their children who come from traumatic backgrounds.