Discussion Guide:

These are just a few questions that can be used to connect with your children after the movie. These questions are not meant to be used in a therapeutic manner, but will help your child talk about some of the experiences they have that they may not have thought about before. You may find out about new people, new experiences, and new feelings that you never heard about before. This is a great time to validate their experiences and provide positive praise for how they handled everything that they have been through.

1. Have you ever experienced a “box of shame”?  What was it like?
   This question is great to assess what a child’s view of shame is. Often time as adults we forget that children do not have the same emotional vocabulary we do and it can be hard for them to put it into words. This can allow you to explain shame in a safe manner and identify what caused your child shame in the first place. It may be helpful for you to share a time that you personally felt shame so that your child knows that it is a normal emotion.
2. Do you know someone that is like Miss Hattie?
   Hopefully your child had a much more positive experience with their child welfare workers and previous placements, but there are so many more adults involved in their life that could be like Miss Hattie, whether it be a teacher, a guardian ad litem, a classmate, a relative, etc. If they do disclose someone was like Miss Hattie, allow them to talk about it without trying to explain the reasoning behind such views. Children do not possess the same viewpoint on situations that adults do, and regardless of the situation, their narrative is that this person may be like Miss Hattie. It’s important to validate their feelings but not push too hard if they appear uncomfortable when talking about this person.
3. What fun activities do you think Gru should have done with the girls to help them feel comfortable and safe when they first moved in?
   This is a great question to help identify things that make your children feel comfortable and safe. Knowing what they need to feel loved and safe is helpful as caregivers and parents because it allows us to implement what our children need. Every child has a different need and being flexible to meet those needs not only helps them feel comfortable, but can increase attachment.
4. Why do you think Gru wanted to impress his mother so much?
   A lot of our children are pleasers. They want to please their parents, their siblings, and their friends. Often times, our children feel rejected from being in foster care. A lot of the kids that I work with often ask what they did wrong to cause their parents not to want them anymore. This is a great opportunity to talk to your child about what impresses you as a parent. Keep these statements simple and preferably something they already do. Do they fold their own laundry? Help with cooking? Walk the dog? Praise them for it- not just when talking about this movie but consistently over time. Our children can never receive too much praise and it helps them feel connected to you.
5. How do you think the girls felt when they had to go back to the orphanage?
   This question allows you as a parent to understand what your child is feeling in regards to being returned to care. This may be a non-issue for children who were very young when adopted, however a lot of our children have memories about being in care and what it was like. This allows them to talk about their fears about having to go back and allows you as a parent to provide comfort in how this will not happen to them and why.
6. What would Gru need to do in order to prove to the girls that they are forever family?
   If there is one thing that working with children has taught me, it is that no two children are the same. What one child requires will be completely different than another. Knowing how to create trust between yourself and your child is invaluable knowledge to have as a parent. By allowing them to express what a forever family means to them, it allows you to not only attempt to meet those expectations but gives you the ability to talk about what a forever family means to you as well.

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Transfiguring Adoption is a nonprofit organization seeking to nurture growth in foster and adoptive families by giving a HOOT about their families. Transfiguring Adoption does not intend for its reviewers nor its review to be professional, medical or legal advice. These reviews and discussion guides are intended to help parents to better be able to connect and understand their children who come from traumatic backgrounds.