On Sunday, we celebrated Mother’s Day. My newsfeed on Facebook was filled with everybody claiming they had the “best mom ever” and shared “I love my mom” memes ad nauseam. I was prepared for this, but it did still hurt. Other people including our TA blogger, Susan Dalton, who have mothers who have passed shared their memories of their special mothers. Their stories are sad, and I feel terrible for their losses. But how does an adoptee feel on mother’s day? Maybe some who have contact with their mothers feel happy and thankful. But me, I just felt…sad. I can identify with those who have lost their mothers, because in a different kind of way, I lost mine, too.
So, I did what any angry, depressed person would do in this situation, and I decided to write a quick letter to my bio mom. It in no way encompasses all of my feelings toward her, because I don’t think I have the time and strength to write all of those down yet. So… here is an abridged version of my letter to my bio mom:
I know you won’t get this, and even if you did, you would never answer me back. But today is Mother’s Day, and like it or not, you are my biological mother. I think I am a bit more aware of what your journey may have been around the time of my birth, as I have spoken to several people who have helped me paint a picture of a few parts of your life. I would like to say I understand why you don’t want contact with me, but that would be a lie. I don’t think I will ever understand that. It is hard to not take it personally.
I have spent this last several months trying to heal my wounds and turn the pain I feel from being rejected by you into something that can help someone else, something better. Some days I do better at that than others. My husband says he admires me for my efforts, and says that me facing my pain head on makes me brave. But he says nice stuff to me all the time, and I don’t think I am brave- I just don’t know what else to do.
I think you would like my husband- he’s a really awesome guy. He is the person who taught me about unconditional love, and He has stuck next to me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. He also gave me two fabulous children. It’s too bad you have opted not to be a part of our lives, because your grandkids- are the top of the top, the bees knees, the cream of the crop. But I am not going to say much more about them, because (forgive me for being frank) I don’t think you deserve to know any more about them. Just know you are missing out, lady- BIG TIME!
Perhaps I sound a bit angry- it’s because I am. I am also very sad, and yet, I am very thankful to you. What you did could not have been easy -unless you’re a sociopath with no feelings. Wait. Are you a sociopath with no feelings? Or have you just hidden them away because the pain is too much? Are you anything like me? Do you ever think of me? Did you ever hold me? What did you name me? Who is my natural father? How did you meet? What is he like? Oh so many questions!
I know, I need to move on. But it just isn’t in my personality. I am a curious person who doesn’t let things go very easily. I am working on my wounds, but I will never let you go, and I will never let go of a small bit of hope that one day you might come to your senses, and face your hurt, and be in my life. I just can’t be in a world where I don’t have a little bit of hope.
So, what would I give you for mother’s day? A bouquet of flowers? I would choose forget-me-nots. A card? I don’t think Hallmark has one that covers this situation. Or perhaps, a song? Well, two songs. So that is what I will leave you with. Two songs-
- Say Something (I’m Giving Up On You) by A great Big World- because,
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you, and anywhere, I would have followed you.
- “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks-
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too…And if you see my reflection in the snow- covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down
And if you see my reflection in the snow- covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down, oh, oh
The landslide bring you down?