An Open Letter from an Adoptee to Her Children

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Mother’s Day Special

Reminder: Mother’s day is this Sunday, May 10th!  Don’t forget to wish your mother of any shape size, creed, or kind a happy one!  This Mother’s day, I have chosen to write a letter to my children.

To my Dear Ones,

Once upon a time, Little Me would pretend I was a mother to my toys.  I thought I knew what it was to be a mother.  I took qualities I saw from television mothers, and women I thought were doing a good job with their own kids, and mixed in my kid logic.  Little Betsy’s dolls got to stay up late, eat everything they wanted, watch whatever they wanted on TV, play games, sing songs, have tea parties, and they never argued, never had to do homework, or take baths. They also went to bed whenever I was tired with playing in my motherly role, and wanted to have some “me” time.   That’s what Little Betsy thought motherhood was about.  Little did I know how being a mother was going to rock my world in ways I can never explain.

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To My son:

I will never forget the day when I found out I was pregnant with  you.  The first time the pregnancy test read positive, I was so excited I nearly fainted.  I don’t think I said anything but, “Oh my gosh” times a million for the first hour while it sunk in that I was going to be what I always wanted to be.  And when I had my first ultrasound, I will never forget how the tears flowed when I heard the most beautiful three words ever uttered to me in my entire life.  She said, “There’s your baby” as she pointed to the screen, and there you were, a little peanut with a beating heart.  Even as I write this, my heart skips a beat.  Nothing could ever prepare me for the flood of love and emotions I had seeing you on the screen for the first time.  You were real!  You were here, and you were MINE!  Until I could feel you move inside my belly, I took pregnancy tests over and over just to make sure you were still there.  I could not bear the idea of ever losing you.  I made a cross stitch blanket for you because my biological mother made one for me when she was carrying me, and I wanted to do something to honor her and remember the effort she put into carrying me.  When my pregnancy with you was almost over, my blood pressure was very high and we were afraid something bad was going to happen to you, so one day, the doctor sent me to the hospital and gave me a special drug to help you come out.  I was so scared, I wouldn’t open my eyes and look at you- even when they put you in my arms.  The doctor told me three times to open my eyes and look at you.  Finally I did, and I saw this perfect, healthy boy, and he was the most beautiful (and slimy) thing I ever saw.

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It has been an honor as I watch you grow.  I see this boy who is so smart, and so much fun.  I love seeing you read so much, and learning about the things you learn about.  Even as I am typing this, you are telling all about devoted parents in the animal kingdom.  I love your sense of humor even if you don’t get some of my jokes (I just told you some animals eat their young, and you didn’t even crack a smile).  You have taught me more than I thought I could ever learn, and I am thankful to you.  That is why I tell you that you are my brain.  You are the smartest part of me.  You are growing so fast, and I am excited to see what this life has in store for you.  I am excited to see what new things you learn, and to see what direction you go.  Thank you for being my son, and thank you for taking this journey with me.

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To my daughter: 

One night during bedtime prayers, your brother asked Jesus to send him a baby sister.  It was a crazy day, and I “cancelled that order” as soon as I left his room.  But, sure enough, four weeks later, I started to feel a little sick, and I just knew, your brother’s prayers had been answered.  But my pregnancy with you was difficult.  My first ultrasound with you was rushed by an emergency room doctor who told me, “I wouldn’t get too attached to this one”.  I can’t tell you how many times I thought I lost you.  I tried to cross stitch a blanket for you, but every time I tried to work on it, I became sad and afraid I wouldn’t be able to give it to you, and I would cry uncontrollably at times, so I put it away.  For some reason, you just couldn’t wait to get here!  I had to go to the hospital multiple times and get medicine to keep you from being born too early.  We were so happy when my pregnancy made it far enough that you would have a good chance to live.  A month before you were supposed to be born, you decided it was time to come and this time, we couldn’t stop you.  And when you came, you weren’t breathing.  I couldn’t touch you.  I couldn’t hold you.  When they were comfortable enough to hand you to me, you turned blue.  You were whisked away and hooked up to machines.  You had a hole in your heart!  All I wanted to do was to hold you!  Daddy and I had to be certified in infant CPR before we could take you home, and you were on a monitor.  Every time you rolled off of that monitor and the alarm went off, I was so afraid!  You were supposed to have open heart surgery when you were three months old, but guess what?  We prayed and prayed, and that hole closed by the glory of GOD!

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Now you are an energetic, happy healthy girl!  I am so happy to be your mother!  You taught me to love like no other!  You are always ready to do something goofy (right now I can hear you singing in the shower).  You are the most kind, generous person I have ever met.  I have seen you give your belongings to other kids with a happy heart, and I have heard you pray for others more often than you pray for things for yourself.  This is why I tell you that you are my heart.  I never would have understood love in its purest form without you.  You, too are destined for great things in this world.  I am very excited to see where you will go in life, and how you help others along the way.  Thank you for being my daughter.  Thank you for blessing me with your love.

You both know that I do not know the woman who brought me into this world.  The stories I have just told about you, I will never know about myself. That is why I think it is  so important to share my experiences with you because of this.

I always wanted to be a mom.  And you aren’t like my dolls from childhood.  You don’t get to eat whatever you want, or stay up all night watching TV,  sometimes we don’t get to play all of the games you want to play, or sing and dance whenever we want to, sometimes we argue, and you  certainly have to do your homework and take baths! But then again, you don’t go to sleep when I need my “me” time- so we are even.

No you aren’t like my dolls at all- but you are my brain and my heart!

Love,

Mom

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